I have been MIA for a long time now. You could say it is because I am lazy, which I am, but the much bigger issue is that I have depression.

In what I used to consider my normal life, I could keep my depression under control by keeping myself busy, especially dancing or working in my garden. Small goals and small accomplishments would keep me going through tougher times. I kept moving and I was okay.

 

When I started experiencing some hormonal shifts at the beginning of perimenopause, my regular tricks didn’t work anymore, and I started taking medication, eventually settling on bupropion, since it didn’t kill my sex drive like so many anti-depressants do. I could go back to caring about the things that I loved and get stuff done. Again, I was okay.

Then, I injured my back. Pain medication and anti-depressants are not a lot of fun together, but I was healing, so I could accept that for a while. I tried to find things to do that would be fulfilling while I recovered. The best thing I did for myself in that time was signing up for Epiphora and JoEllen Notte’s Be a Sex Blogger class. It helped me return to writing and gave me the courage to start this blog. But time went on and I still couldn’t dance, I couldn’t work in the garden, I couldn’t even go for a walk unless it was on a very flat surface. Pain medication and anti-depressants are not a lot of fun together. And don’t forget the hormonal mess, as well.

I became very depressed. I withdrew from everyone and everything.  Every once in a while, I could put on a decent show, but I couldn’t keep myself together for long.  I began to have anxiety attacks.  I couldn’t orgasm reliably and couldn’t really talk about it without crying. I didn’t feel like I could review any toys, because I didn’t know how they would work for “normal” people.  I felt like a failure.  And I made it all worse because I refused to accept that how I felt was normal for me, at least at for a while.

But I’m working on redefining normal for me in so many ways. So I can work on this one on the blog, as well.

My normal takes anti-depressants.

My normal needs pain medication.

My normal goes to physical therapy (and not-so-physical therapy).

My normal is fat.

My normal has anxiety, allergies, asthma, and probably lots of other things that start with “A.”

My normal can work hard, but needs to rest often and be careful.

My normal prefers tea to coffee.

My normal doesn’t always orgasm, no matter how much I want to.

My normal needs my glasses to find my glasses.

My normal is normal.

 

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